While on the road for an international social campaign to encourage people to make a difference and create a better world by taking a look at themselves, I learned much more than I was expecting.
As I visited different places, I began feeling like something was missing, like there was no life at all. I was so desperate to make a change in people’s lives and saw that people in these villages were not living to their fullest, although every day is passing us by faster and faster.
I wanted them to react. While talking and communicating with different people, I used to ask them just two questions:
If not you, who then?
If not now, when?
These questions started to run in my mind all the time until I realised that I had to ask them to myself first. In this journey to find the best version of me, I forgot to appreciate and to be thankful of all I have been so far. I forgot to thank myself for becoming my own hero, from picking up the pieces left on the floor and creating a masterpiece day by day.
Here I am now, watching the sunset all by myself, drinking my favourite drink, being awesome and putting down what I had never told to my own lovely self in my most lonesome hour; in the mirror; in the most peaceful moments of my life; even in those intense conversations I used to have as felt at my lowest or when I felt way up high. This is my open letter to my very best, lovely, lonesome self.
Remember how in kindergarten everyone used to play cards and play with dolls while you used to write or paint? Remember keeping your whole universe in that tiny bag on your shoulders, full of books and colourful pens? Well, here you are now, pretty much the same old weird version of you. Look at you now: I am proud of you!
Remember at the age of five, when you told your mamma, “I am proud of you. You are the best teacher in the world. One day I will be as successful as you, a career woman.” Let me say it loudly to you today: “I am proud of you too! I think you are born this way. If you had to choose between career and success, or matters of the heart, you would always, always chose career no matter what, no matter anything.” You say, “I am someone with a big ego and if you break my ego it would be much worse than breaking my heart.” You are probably right. Yes, you are.
I don’t want to mention or list all your achievements or failures. You are making the most of it all. At the very end of the day what really counts is to put your heart and your soul into what you believe in. You deserve the best in every way possible. You are worth every tear shed and worth every choice you have made. And I know you have made a hell of your choices, drastic ones that have changed your life forever and which could somehow have ended up differently. But this is you, my darling, being the dramatic, shocking girl nobody knows.
They say a person who desperately expresses emotions, who lays their feelings out for the whole world to see is someone who needs love and attention the most. But no, this is not your case for sure. Your ambition needs no emotion or reassurance. This is what you always say when it ends the same old way — doors slammed in your faces and stories of heartbreak — and you end up on your own. This is me, your dear self, who is reminding you of this now.
This may sound heartless, but so is the pain you carry inside. Maybe now it is time to start loving yourself first, to make your own name. Now it is time to put yourself first, instead of chasing after affairs of the heart that will break you further.
This may also sound selfish, but maybe it is time to be a little selfish after caring so much and always being disappointed. I think is time for you to be your own happiness, instead of letting your happiness depend on others.
In all things, you should start not taking things so personally; when you do, there is no way but down, no way to escape anymore and these issues, these situations, become yours, even when they are actually not. When you take things that personally, when you care that much, you end up being bad to yourself. It would be better to let things be, not try to change situations, let these matters start and end the way they are meant to. It is not up to you to put a start or an end to them; only time can do that. Remember, as you always say, “When things become that personal, there is no God that can save your soul.”
I know that “temporary” and “almost” are two big words for you — the first stands for all the things that never last and which, happy or sad, always end. The second, is about all the moments you almost reached something, you almost had something or someone, but you felt never enough. But let me tell you that my love for you is not temporary and between us, “almost” will never exist. Between you and me, my love will always last, it is forever. It is not something that’s almost there or a temporary affair. It is for real and it is always enough. So don’t be afraid!
I could write an entire book about you: The beautiful, lunatic, wild, messy harmony of contrasts that you are. The wild flower that never belonged to this garden and to which no other flower could ever be compared. The free spirit that can never ever be tamed. The girl that belongs to nobody.
This is an open letter just to remind you to keep the true colours of you who are — even when the world is against you — and to remember that I love you — even when nobody else does.
I love you when you shine like a diamond and they celebrate you, and I still love you when you are in the corner of your room, in the dark, on the floor hoping to make it out alive, still celebrating yourself.
Your very best and worst self